Captive
by Bionic Egypt
Summary: The Guardians and Pitch have been kidnapped and are being interrogated! Who is doing the interrogating? Why are they being asked about their love lives? And why did someone tell Jamie what BenneFrost is!


**First ROTG all dialogue crack fic! All the characters have been kidnapped and interrogated by moi! I regret nothing! Let's see just how this turned out . . . Thanks and enjoy **_**Captive**_**.**

* * *

Captive

". . . Ugh, my head . . ."

"Yer head hurts? Me everythin hurts, mate."

"Shut_ up_ Kangaroo. Just let me complain in peace."

"Jack? Is that you?"

"Tooth?"

"North?"

"Hey, is anyone else wondering why we're tied to chairs?"

"No Bunny, we were wondering whose turn it was to host monthly dinner. Silly us."

"Alright North, no need for the sarcasm."

"I think Pitch had something to do with this."

"I agree with Jack."

"Ya always agree with Jack, Tooth. It's cause o' his 'special teeth' and 'snow white smile' ain' it?"

" . . . Maybe . . ."

"Aw, it's nice to know you care, Toothy."

"Thanks Jack. But I really do think this is Pitch's fault."

"I hate to tell you, but this was not my doing."

"PITCH!"

"What do you mean this wasn't your fault? Of course this was your fault! You want to get rid of us!"

"While that might be true, I am not responsible for this abduction. I thought that it would be obvious by the fact that I am also tied to a chair."

"Who tied us all to chairs, then?"

"It wasn't me!"

"We know North."

"And it wasn't me!"

"I think we know tha' Jack."

"Then who kidnapped us?"

"Me!"

"Ah!"

"Who're ya, Shelia?"

"I'm me. Duh."

"I believe the rabbit was asking what your name is, miss."

"Quit glaring at me. It's not scary. And besides, I'm holding all the cards in this game."

"Hey, why can you see us? Aren't you a bit old to believe in the Guardians?"

"Jack, you're never too old to believe in the Guardians, and I believe in you. I think you're all awesome, especially you."

"Thanks, whoever you are."

"My penname is Bionic Egypt."

"That's a bit wordy, Shelia. Can we call ya Bionic for short?"

"Sure. That's what I told someone else who you guys met in a crossover I wrote."

"Wait, the three ankle-biters in tha' techy place? Yeah, I remember them."

"Well, the tiny one called me Bionic when I tied him to a chair, but enough about them. Let's talk about you guys!"

"Hey, can you let me go? The mini-fairies need me."

"Sure Tooth. Just don't let the others go."

"Of course not."

"TOOTH!"

"Bye!"

"Come back . . ."

"Suck it up, North. Now everyone has to answer at least three questions before I'll let them go. Santa first."

"Fine."

"Was there ever a Mrs. Claus, or was that just a rumor?"

"That is . . . none of your business."

"Answer. Me."

" . . . Long time ago. No more."

"Okay. Not gonna ask what happened, so don't worry. Um, so, what do you do in your spare time? You know, what are your hobbies?"

"I create new toy ideas and try to cook."

"Neat. I've tried cooking before, but I don't like it. Anyway! Last question and you're free to go: who is your favorite Guardian?"

" . . . Um . . . Can I choose not to answer?"

"Nope! Now tell me."

" . . . Sandy . . . He is not loud like others."

"HEY!"

"I have ta agree with Frostbite on this one. How can I not be ya favorite?"

"I heard that! And I should totally be North's favorite. I'm obviously the most awesome one in the group."

"And this is why I did not want to answer question."

"Sorry North. But you're free to go."

"Thank you child. But still wavering about putting you on Naughty list for kidnapping us."

"You'll come around eventually. Besides, you might not even remember this by tomorrow."

"What?"

"Bye North! Poof!"

"Where'd he go?!"

"Wow that worked! I so wasn't expecting that . . . Anyway, since North is back at the Pole, I can question Pitch!"

"Why let him go before me? I thought I was your favorite?"

"You are, Jack. That's why I'm keeping you here!"

"As entertaining as this spat is, I would enjoy being let go, so if we could just hurry these questions along . . ."

"Oh right; forgot. Whoops. Okay, um, Pitch Black, the boogieman who has no eyebrows and wears a dress–"

"I do _not_ wear a dress! It is a _robe!_"

"Whatever. *coughs* Cross dresser *coughs* Anyway . . . Is Blackice, Cavity, or Quicksand a thing?"

"What who and huh?"

"Why do I have a feeling one of those has to do with me?"

"Very perceptive, Jack. But Pitch, answer the question."

"I do not understand the question, so how am I able to answer it?"

"Ugh, you're hopeless! No offense, Bunny."

"None taken Shelia."

"Anyway, Blackice is you and Jack, Cavity is you and Tooth, and Quicksand is you and Sandy. Are any of those a reality?"

"Do you mean us romantically? Hells no."

"Isn't the saying _Heavens no?_"

"I am the Nightmare King, miscreant, not the Pleasant King. I shall say _hells no_ if I feel like it. Next question please."

"Fine, keep your dress on."

"It is _not a dress!_"

"Whatever. Next question! Are you or are you not a Brony?"

"A what?"

"Haha! I know the answer to this one! Frost knows all . . ."

" . . . If you mean do I favor my Nightmares, then I suppose so . . ."

"I KNEW IT! HAHAHAHA! Ahem. Sorry 'bout that. Last question! Pitch, who does your wardrobe? Because seriously, no one can be that tacky on their own."

"I do not dress tackily. And I have chosen all my own clothing. May I leave now?"

"Sure. But I'm choosing where you go after this. I say . . . sunny Miami, Florida."

"What?!"

"Bye!"

"And he's gone."

"Right you are, Rabbit."

"Can I leave now?"

"Nope! Now it's your turn for questions . . . Since I asked Pitch about his potential relationships, I feel obligated to ask you. What about Sweetooth? Is that a real thing?"

"Wha are ya talking 'bout Sheila?"

"You and Tooth. Is that a real thing?"

"Nah, I love her like a sister. Purely sibling-like."

"Okay. So how long does it take you to get ready for Easter?"

"Two months, why?"

"Just planning a pra-I mean, just wondering. Heeheeheehee."

"I don' like the sound o' that."

"You shouldn't, Kangaroo."

"Not ya too!"

"Last question! And this is a joint question, so both you and Jack have to answer it."

"Sure."

"I'm gonna regret this, but sure, Shelia."

"Is there really Jackrabbit?"

"Quit throwing out new terms."

"No. Now answer the question. Are you two together?"

"NO!"

"And that was in stereo. Okay I get it, you guys don't like each other. Fine with me. And now Bunny can go . . ."

"Thanks Shelia."

". . . To Antarctica."

"WHAT?!"

"Alacazam! Bye!"

"And then there were two . . ."

"You're pretty funny, Jackie. Ooh, my favorite part of the movie was when you totally zapped Bunny during the whole 'helping Tooth' thing. You're expression was so hilarious!"

"I remember that. The kangaroo was almost asking for it."

"I know, right? And when you two were arguing at the Pole when you first called him Kangaroo? That was priceless! I loved it!"

"Good to know. It had just been a spur-of-the-moment thing, really."

"Okay! So, what do you think of all the fanfictions people have wrote about you?"

"Well, I sort of like some of them. But there are some that are just insane."

"Like?"

"Like the one you wrote. What was it called . . . Spell Gone Wrong. I would never mess up a spell and get turned into a girl. I don't even think I can cast spells."

"True. Anyway, whatcha wanna do?"

"How about we go visit Jamie? I promised him a snow day today."

"Let's go!"

* * *

"Jamie!"

"Jack?"

"Hey Jamie!"

"Who are you?"

"I'm Jack's new friend, Bionic!"

"Cool. So why is Jack tied to a chair?"

"Oops, I forgot to untie him."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome!"

"So Bionic, how long have you known Jack?"

"I just met him this morning, but I've known about him for a long time."

"Cool! I met him last Easter. He–"

"He helped keep your faith in the Easter Bunny and all the other Guardians but you ended up believing in him, too."

"How did you know that?"

"It was in the movie."

"What movie?"

"The one made about that Easter. You mean you didn't know about it?"

"I forgot about it."

"Okay."

"Hey, wanna throw snowballs?"

"Sure Jack."

"Hey Bionic, I have a question."

"Shoot, kiddo."

"I've skimmed a couple of fanfictions and one phrase keeps popping up."

"That's not a question, Jamie."

"I was getting there! Can you tell me what BenneFrost is?"

". . . I don't think you want me to answer that . . ."

"Jamie, you really don't."

"Yes I do!"

"Trust me, you don't want to know what BenneFrost is."

"Please tell me?"

". . . I can't resist the puppy-dog eyes . . . Fine! You win. BenneFrost is . . . BenneFrost is a ship that people have."

"Between who?"

"You and Jack."

"Jamie? Jamie? Bionic, I think you broke him."

"I didn't mean to!"

"EWWWWWWW!"

"You said it, kiddo. Maybe if you were, like, sixteen or something, but not, uh, how old are you?"

". . . Ten . . ."

"Okay, but none of them are when you're ten. They're mostly set when you're older."

"Still, I'm not gonna fall in love with Jack!"

"And a mortal and a spirit would never work."

"I know that, Jack. That's why I'm more of a Jackrabbit or FairyFrost shipper."

"What's FairyFrost?"

"You and Tooth."

"Um . . ."

"Gasp! Is there already FairyFrost?! Or Rainbow Snow Cone or any of the other couple names people have come up with for you two?!"

"No! I just find this topic of conversation a bit unnecessary."

"Gasp! Frostbite is using bit words!"

"You sound like Bunny."

"I know."

"Hey, remember me? I'm still here, you know!"

"Sorry Jamie."

"Yeah, sorry kiddo."

"Let's have a snowball fight! You two can be on a team, and I'll be against you."

"Two mortals against Jack Frost? Yeah, like that's fair."

"Well, it would be less fair if I was to team up with one of you two."

"Good point. Let the games begin!"

* * *

"AH!"

"We've got ya now, ya darned authoress!"

"Hey, let her go!"

"No. She kidnapped us!"

"And let you go first, Tooth!"

"True. But I'm not stopping North and Bunny. Or Pitch."

"Then we'll stop them. Right Jamie?"

"Right. Let Bionic go! She's my friend."

"She is your friend?"

"Yeah, North, Bionic is our friend."

"You too Frostbite? I shoulda known ya were in on the kidnapping."

"No, we just became friends."

"It's true, you know. I hadn't met him before this morning."

"While this argument is rather entertaining, I propose we get on with the plan."

"As much as I hate ta say it, Pitch is right."

"Oh no, the world is ending! Bunny just agreed with Pitch!"

"I think this is ridiculous. Why are we tying up teenage girl?"

"North, we've already explained this to you. She kidnapped everyone but Sandy. Wait a minute, why didn't you kidnap Sandy too?"

"Isn't it obvious? If I had tried, he would've knocked me out. Now can you please let me go? I let you guys go after you answered some questions."

"We'll let ya go after ya answer some of our questions, Shelia."

"Ask away, Kangaroo."

"Why'd ya kidnap us?"

"I wanted to talk to you guys, and you wouldn't show up when I tried to find you. But I did get to meet Baby Tooth once, and she was so adorable. I think she has a crush on Jack, though."

"And we've just entered Disturbing Ville."

"You're right about that, Jack. A relationship between you two would never work."

"Can I ask question now?"

"Go ahead North."

"Why were you asking about our relationships?"

"That's easy. I wanted to know who you guys liked. There are a lot of ships people have; I just wanted to know if any had a chance of becoming cannon."

"And cannon would be . . ."

"Cannon is something that actually happened, duh."

"Oh. Okay."

"So, can you let me go now? I promise I'll never kidnap you again."

"Fine."

"Yay! Group hug!"

"NOOOOOOO!"

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**Wow that was random . . . Well, that's pretty much all I've got to say, so . . . Thanks for reading!**

**~C**


End file.
